Online Junkie

In the most recent online Bible study that I am a part of, Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst, we are discussing our addictions. The book is centered around our addiction and dependence on food, but we all struggle with dependence on something or someone that is not God. So, what other raging battle (besides food) do I currently crave more than God? The truth is I think there is always something Satan uses to threaten our well being and pull us away from God. For me, Satan used alcohol for years. It was a terrible cycle. When I was a drinker, my craving was alcohol. My life centered around it…it was where I went when I was sad, lonely, hurt, happy; what I did when I received terrible news and what I did to celebrate. I had little discipline over my drinking, so often I would be ridiculously strict with my diet. I could manage on very few calories and eat very little as long as I knew I could drink.

Now that I’m sober, my biggest daily struggle is my dependence on…(embarrassing sigh)…technology. My phone and my computer. It’s a vicious cycle. I use my phone to check email, to stay up to date on Facebook and to text. I think my addiction started as a stay at home mom, able to feel connected to the outside world–to real people–even when I was “trapped” in  domestic diaper duty! If I go a half hour without checking Facebook, I almost feel jittery. I’ve had my children…my FOUR YEAR OLDS…say, “Mommy, look at me.” Actually they say it like this, “Mommy, look-it at me!” (My four year old twins are my babies and I LOVE listening to their sweet four year old language). My children feel ignored because I am on my phone so often. And I know how hurtful it is to feel ignored.

Everyday I promise myself I’ll do better…put the phone down; stay away from Pinterest; stop jumping on Amazon to order something real quick. But everyday I allow myself to get sucked in and then I feel like a failure. My greatest success has been scheduled computer time-when my children are in bed or occupied. Now that they are in school for a few hours, I can have no excuse not to schedule that computer time while they are gone. This is a huge challenge for me, but I know that if I can succeed, I will be a better wife and mommy and I know my relationship with God will grow much stronger.

Lord, I pray that you give me the strength to break my addictive need to constantly check Facebook and my desire to look up whatever idea pops into my head that leads me to the computer and away from my family and my responsibilities. Help me to stick to a scheduled computer time and to keep my phone out of constant reach and to be more present for my family. Lord, I know this will enable me to stop feeling constantly behind, constantly scatter brained and frazzled and instead allow me to feel focused on the task at hand. When my fingers itch to look on my phone or go to the computer, give me the strength and willpower to turn to YOU to fill that void. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.